Shattered Illusion

[Bobtheduck]

There was a girl that I had spent 5 hours on sunday night/monday morning with and 7 hours last night/this morning that I was really starting to fall for... Come to find out that she felt she was called by God to be cellibate from the time she was 15 (the only protestant I've ever heard say THAT)... After all the talking we did, and all the connecting we did, and how much it seemed like she was just perfect for me, and how I thought that she might have had the same feelings, I really am feeling destroyed right now... I have to get to sleep, but this is really going to be hard...

The thing was, for the last 3 days, I wasn't lonely so I didn't fall into my traps, but now I feel it's going to be even worse because I really started to think things were working out, and it's gone now... I guess I should know better than to be happy...

So as not to bump a thread people aren't reading anymore, i'll just EDIT this in... This is how I feel my life is:

"La di da, I'm having my good time at YWAM and life is great. Oh, I've got a calling to Japan and games! Yay, I better go. Fatump, i'm in a glass tube, can't go anywhere... Oh, but I'm here to study, so I take computer animation. Oh well, we're moving. Well, maybe since we'll be in an appartment complex with all college aged people, I'll meet some friends... *Shhrvi, Fattump* I'm in my tube again, just in a different place... Need change... Can't be lonely. Ooh, an MK and some people to talk to... (change dangles in front of my face) Ooh, I'm gonna catch it, *slip, change floats away* No! *shhrvi, fatump* Ooh, look, Japanese fellowship *comes out of tube as change dangles in front of me* Yay, I got it... *splat* no, I don't *shhrvi, fattump* I'm in that stupid tube again... Ooh, A nice girl! *change dangles in front of my face* Yay, a girl that's interested in me! "I want to stay home forever, and I don't like the city... I want to stay near my family..." *Shhrvi, Fatump* Oh... Well, that's ok, there's still another, right? Ooh! *tube lifts up, I stumble out* ooh, look! A girl who's interesting, missions minded, funny, nice, and likes to hang out with me a lot! "But I'm going to be celibate* Of course... Of course any girl that hangs out with me like that has to have a call of celibacy on her life... There is no other way *shhrvi, fatump* What the (place)... I'm even worse off than before... Half my heart is scattered outside the tube, and here I am by myself... In my tube... I don't know if I'm even going to chase after the next tempting chance of change that gets dangled seductively in front of my face... I don't know... I just plain don't know... I'm not remembering stuff in Japanese anymore, I'm not even doinga good job with the pathetic job I have, I am incredibly lonely and... I don't know... I just want to sleep forever... "

Of course, the whole time I'm stuck in my little tube, i'm doing things I don't want to do and I'm depressed all the time and there's no escape at all... So, of course I jump at the chance for change and for things to get better, but it's all so deceptive... Everything that comes along looks like it will help my life get better... looks like I won't be lonely anymore and won't keep doing the stuff I don't want to do, but something makes it worthless... I don't actually talk to anyone, or when I do I of course start to fall for a girl that just isn't right for me and that ruins my chance for normal friendship, because I'll have my feelings in the way... I'm just so sick of it... It's not like I'd kill myself... I'd be too afraid to do it, because I know that's the ultimate act of selfishness and if I do... Well, best not to get into my theological beliefs... But, that just makes my depression even worse, with no way to go... It's like water that keeps flowing on a cup... It all spills over the top, but it never goes away... It just stays essentially the same, some of it cycles, but most of it is the same as it has been for years, until it starts to get moldy I suppose...

I just want out... Going to a school wouldn't do it for me... If I were in full sail right now, it wouldn't change any thing... I need a change of lifestyle that merely going somewhere wouldn't do... I need something permanent to fix this horrible mess and I have no clue what to do... This is going to be bugging me for a long time, and, of course, I'll never be able to admit to people in real life what is going on, but it will just add up and I turn into a liar because I don't want to bog them down with my problems, but I don't have anywhere to turn with them... Even when I do have someone to talk to, it doesn't seem to change it... i just don't get it... I don't think I ever will...

[Spirit_Wolf8356]

Oh, Bob, don't feel that way. Happiness is a good thing, but sometimes it takes awhile to find. I don't know how long you've been looking for it, but, personally, my search for having a real, lasting, honest to goodness happiness with my friends took me until I was 13. So maybe she wants to be cellibate, whatever. That's her decision. God has someone else in mind for you then. Keep heart. He always has something or someone in mind for us.

I'll be praying for you in any case.

[Rogie]

Spirit_Wolf is right: God has someone else for you in mind -- it's all in His will! And Bob, I'm not sure of the exact circumstances, but you should try and remain friends with this person, even if she is celibate, because it is probably hard on her to keep friends of the opposite sex because of it.

I'll definitely be praying for you, but I also wanted to just mention that things like this are probably hard on her, too. Keep your chin up, Bob!

[Staci]

I concur with what Spirit_Wolf and rogie_san said, so I need add nothing else than my prayers.

[Destroyer2000]

Ah, I know how you feel. Have you read any of my threads in the general board yet? The advice people gave to me there might help you. Anyway, I'll remember you.

[Bobtheduck]

I went to the university (APU) last night and I cried for about an hour... I yelled and was angry at God for letting me stay lonely and stay in pain and having things like that Dangle in front of me... I'm so sick of being lonely... It's the worst feeling in this life, I think... Just because it's not acute enough to spur you to something doesn't mean that it's not as bad... It's pervasive and it just takes over... I'm sick of it... I cannot physically handle it anymore... My chest has been hurting since last night, and I know it's because of how frustrated and stressed out I am... I'm tired of it... I don't want to be like this anymore... Isn't necessity the mother of invention? Well, I suppose I'm just not very inventive... At least, not in areas that affect my life...

I really want something to change... I need it badly...

[Spirit_Wolf8356]

You gotta stop beating yourself up about this, dude. Stop it. On some level, I think we decide when we're lonely and want someone's contact. So stop it. Okay, now you're thinking, it's not that easy, right? Well, I know. You're gonna feel lonely. Fact of life. Get used to it. In getting used to it, you can overcome it. Ask for His help and build up the mental strength and character to forget your lonliness. I've felt lonely myself so many more times than I want to remember. Push it aside and think of something better. We're never really alone anyway. God is with us. When I feel lonely, if I concentrate hard enough, I can feel His arms around me, holding me and keeping me safe. He's there.

As for being angry at God, don't be. It wasn't His fault. Maybe He wants this girl to be a good friend to you and you're blowing it out of porportion.

Don't let lonliness take over your life enough to think about suicide. I know you said you would never do it, but thinking about it is the next step to doing it. I've thought about suicide enough to know how...enticing it can look at times. I've even gone so far as to put a blade on my wrist and think 'How easy would it be to just cut right here?' Luckily, my mother walked in and saw me so I couldn't think about it anymore. At first, suicide was just an idea I flirted with every so often, and then thinking about it became almost an addiction. It took a big youth revival to pull me out of it too. That was in January. After thinking about suicide regularly, that single night of God touching me, I've only thought about suicide once. I think suicide is a coward's way out of life, but when it consumed my life, all I could think about is how much easier it would be on myself. Take my advice and stop thinking about it right now. Please. I don't want anyone to think about it to the extent I did.

Once again, I'll be praying for you.

[Bobtheduck]

You gotta stop beating yourself up about this, dude. Stop it. On some level, I think we decide when we're lonely and want someone's contact.

As unbelievable as this will sound, I mean this as no insult to you, but I consider that to be a load of nonsense... My personality is one that needs close friends. I have none now... Well, actually, I have one, thankfully, but...

So stop it. Okay, now you're thinking, it's not that easy, right? Well, I know. You're gonna feel lonely. Fact of life. Get used to it. In getting used to it, you can overcome it. Ask for His help and build up the mental strength and character to forget your lonliness. I've felt lonely myself so many more times than I want to remember. Push it aside and think of something better. We're never really alone anyway. God is with us. When I feel lonely, if I concentrate hard enough, I can feel His arms around me, holding me and keeping me safe. He's there.

Excuse the sarcasm, but why didn't ADAM think of that? Hmm... No, trust me... i've tried this, but I just can't feel God in that sort of tangible way... I need someone to talk to that I can hear and share my problems with and they can talk to me out loud, and so far I have not heard the audible voice of God... So, sorry, I think this is not good advice to give in this situation... Just turn off my lonliness.. It does't work that way. It never has, and it never will. There are some people who can handle being by themselves -- some who even thrive on it -- but I am not one of them. Allow me to quote the simpsons "(patty or selma, I always get them mixed up) is the one who chose a life of celibacy. (the other one) just had celibacy thrust upon her." I only spend time by myself and on the computer because I have no other choice.

As for being angry at God, don't be. It wasn't His fault. Maybe He wants this girl to be a good friend to you and you're blowing it out of porportion.

Hmm... Well, I know the God I serve isn't affraid of anger and definately not affraid of honesty. In fact, I'd recommend what I did to anyone going through problems... It is good to get them out however you need do that. It's not blasphemy or profanity. It's a good thing. Though I must admit, I just watched Bruce Almighty last night, and I saw some similarities...

Don't let lonliness take over your life enough to think about suicide. I know you said you would never do it, but thinking about it is the next step to doing it. I've thought about suicide enough to know how...enticing it can look at times. I've even gone so far as to put a blade on my wrist and think 'How easy would it be to just cut right here?' Luckily, my mother walked in and saw me so I couldn't think about it anymore. At first, suicide was just an idea I flirted with every so often, and then thinking about it became almost an addiction. It took a big youth revival to pull me out of it too. That was in January. After thinking about suicide regularly, that single night of God touching me, I've only thought about suicide once. I think suicide is a coward's way out of life, but when it consumed my life, all I could think about is how much easier it would be on myself. Take my advice and stop thinking about it right now. Please. I don't want anyone to think about it to the extent I did.

Ok...

Once again, I'll be praying for you.

Well, thank you for that.

I should add to my previous statements that there is more to this story... I still plan on staying friends with her, even though it is hard to not think it could have gone farther because she is an incredible person... She meets most of my requirements for a future mate, though one major thing is that Japan is not in her future... At least not long term. She plans on living in Israel for a long time, and then Dying as a martyr, most likely in a Muslim country in Africa. It's obvious her vision doesn't line up with mine, but I still wish I had known about the celibacy thing before I started to develop feelings for her.

You said you thought I was merely blowing it out of proportion, but I think that was rather unfair. Maybe what I did didn't line up with God's perfect plan, but I find it entirely valid logically to be upset that I entered this friendship and was developing feelings such as those without being made aware of things like the celibacy that I really should have been made aware of. She recognized it was wrong for her not to tell me, and she apologized and I forgave her, but you won't get me to say it was allright... It was wrong. It hurt me. I'm not mad at her anymore, but I'm not going to condone sin when I know it's sin either.

We had a discussion about "Purgatory." I told her that after discussions with a couple of the Catholic members at CAA, I no longer considered it Heracy... I don't necissarily believe it, but I don't entirely discount it anymore. I told her the tube analogy in that first post (after I edited it), and she said "Well, we were talking about purgatory." and she was right... I very well may be in a time of purging. I honestly don't know where this is going to end up, but I do know it's very painfull... I really needed to cry. I really needed to cry out to God, to be specific. I needed it a lot.

I have held onto things and I never let go all the stuff that was piling up... I just let it pile up. The stuff with my brothers, my family through adoption, my lonliness, my continous sins... I never got an adequate chance to let that stuff spill out... To let myself be cleaned out. I think that time is now "For everyone he loves, he disciplines." I think I'm in my purging time... And, for this time, I know it's going to be hard... And I will be upset... Things will come that I don't like, but I guess it needs to come... I just need to let it work to completion, so that way I can come out of it and have my sorrows turned to joy.

Anyhow, I'm going to see about turning the computer off until my final for Japanese... Gota lot of back homework and studying to do... I may come back on when I finish my 20 homework assignments and finish my workbook, so that will be about 6 days... (no, I'm not doing this to say goodbye, because I may NOT be leaving... I may come on tomorrow... I'm just saying, if I'm gone, that's the reason...)

[Spirit_Wolf8356]

No offense taken. Sorry my advice was...backwards. *smile* I didn't mean to offend you either if I did. I just wanted to help.

Still praying...

[Angel37]

Oh....*cries*.....I'm praying for definately! Heartbreak sucks....I know how you feel all too well! E-mail or pm me if you need anything-seriously. I'm here for you.
-Angel

[Fsiphskilm]

I'd rather

[ssj2gohan61]

i know exactly how you feel bob a month or so ago there was this girl i had been spending a lot of time with.. going to church with her.. going to bible studies, youth groups everything she was even going to goto the prom with me but she got grounded then a few weeks later she started dating this other guy.. i felt probably the same as you did... love is one of the greatest feelings of happiness but it can also be the one of the greatest feeling of sadness

[The_Marauding_Maniac]

:/ I wish you good tidings that you will meet somebody who takes away your loneyness. Until then, I pray that God will keep your spirits up. I pray for you.

[Spiritsword]

Bob, I wish I could offer you some words of encouragement from personal experience on the topic, but I've been in the same situation for years. I probably haven't had as many letdowns, simply because I haven't had the possibilities in the first place, but I've gotten very frustrated and down about the whole singleness thing as well. I've had a couple possibilities that didn't work out too. So I do know where you're coming from with this, and it is tough. I just continue to trust in God and His plan for me. I will definitely pray for you.

[Zarn Ishtare]

Bob....I'm feeling ya. Pain, even if it is somewhat dramatic in your case, is somthing we've all felt. all you can do is go on, and keep hope alive. Becuase without hope.....

the Playwright.

[Zarn Ishtare]

oh, and also...PRAY.


Once again, the Playwright.